19
Nov

Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes



I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him? (Jerry Seinfeld)

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. (Jerry Seinfeld)

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason . (Jerry Seinfeld)

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”? (Jerry Seinfeld)

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. (Jerry Seinfeld)

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. (Jerry Seinfeld)

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them. (Jerry Seinfeld)

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17
Nov

Best George Carlin Quotes



Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! (George Carlin)

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. (George Carlin)

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. (George Carlin)

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. (George Carlin)

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. (George Carlin)

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. (George Carlin)

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? (George Carlin)

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook. (George Carlin)

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. (George Carlin)

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. (George Carlin)

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. (George Carlin)

The future will soon be a thing of the past. (George Carlin)

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. (George Carlin)

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. (George Carlin)

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. (George Carlin)

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. (George Carlin)

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it! (George Carlin)

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. (George Carlin)

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

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3
Nov

Fidelity quotes



They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever. ( Oscar Wilde)

Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind. (Marcus Tullius Cicero)

Fidelity. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. (Ambrose Bierce)

Be slow to fall into friendship, but when thou art in, continue firm and constant. ( Socrates)

Prosperity asks for fidelity; adversity exacts it. (Seneca)

Fidelity is seven-tenths of business success. ( James Parton)

There are two kinds of fidelity - that of dogs and that of cats; and you gentlemen, have the fidelity of cats who never leave the house. ( Napoleon Bonaparte)

It’s easier to be faithful to a restaurant than it is to a woman. ( Federico Fellini)

It is better to be faithful than famous. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. ( Helen Keller )

Fidelity that is bought with money may be overcome with money. (Seneca)

London is full of women who trust their husbands. One can always recognize them. They look so thoroughly unhappy. (Oscar Wilde)

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