I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him? (Jerry Seinfeld)

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. (Jerry Seinfeld)

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason . (Jerry Seinfeld)

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”? (Jerry Seinfeld)

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. (Jerry Seinfeld)

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. (Jerry Seinfeld)


Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. (Jerry Seinfeld)

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them. (Jerry Seinfeld)